Does venting help?
The notion of ‘venting as a good thing’ is probably held over from the early days of psychiatry. It used to be, and often still is, described as a good idea to get your feeling out. It’s cathartic, right? But that’s not the whole story. Venting is most often destructive.
First of all, we are really talking about our anger and all of its derivatives. We don’t vent about our joy. When we give ourselves the free reign to vent our feelings, we unleash them. We give over the reins to our anger it often becomes excessive, and when we share it with others it becomes contagious. Now you’re more preoccupied by the thoughts. You don’t feel better. You feel more and so does the person that you vented to. You have now energized and enlarged the problem.
We think it helps because we feel better. The better is not from the venting it’s from feeling closer to the person you are venting with. It’s nice to know someone cares enough to listen and validate how we feel, a corner stone of friendship.
What does help?
Venting can be constructive when it leads to perspective taking and problem solving. Keep the friendship part and be a good friend. Help create perspective for each other. After listening and understanding ask, “Why do you think a reasonable person would do that?” “Is it possible that there is something else going on here?” Help each other to step back and consider alternatives and then come up with a plan to address the problem.
For a deep dive on the topic check out these references:
Rimé, B. (2009). Emotion Elicits the Social Sharing of Emotion: Theory and Empirical Review. Emotion Review, 1(1), 60–85. https://doi.org/10.1177/1754073908097189
Spendelow, J. S., Simonds, L. M., & Avery, R. E. (2017). The Relationship between Co-rumination and Internalizing Problems: A Systematic Review and Meta-analysis. Clinical psychology & psychotherapy, 24(2), 512–527. https://doi.org/10.1002/cpp.2023